PROSE-POEM: -  RAMBLINGS ON A RELATIONSHIP. 

Circa 1989 

[Experience teaches us that love does not consist of two people looking at each other but of looking together in the same direction.] 

Ouch.  I wince. 

I wince every time my partner tells me of his discomfort - 

his discomfort about my lack of "social acceptability". 

Which he knows he is seeing.  Possibly no-one else. 

And what does it matter if they do?  He knows that too. 

But still remains confused as to know exactly what to do 

about his feelings. 

 

I tell him I understand.  And I do. 

Completely.  For don't I feel embarrassed about my disability at times? 

Dear God, don't I want to "crawl under the bedclothes" 

when my body jerks at inopportune moments? 

However, I still hurt.  I hurt when he voices these things. 

I know he is trying to work it out.  I'm glad he can tell me. 

(Though sometimes - hush! - I wish he wouldn't.) 

Still, he is my best friend. 

The person with whom I share everything. 

He knows all anybody - including me - can know about 

my "warts" now. 

(All the warts that I know about anyway. And maybe even a couple I don't know about. 

Or refuse to recognize.) 

As I know about his. 

 

In other words, we know all we can know about each other. 

At this time.  The strengths as well as the weaknesses. 

And the caring qualities.  I must not forget those. 

We must be doing something right. 

Still together. 

Still growing.  Still changing.  Still discovering. 

Still creating that third "person" in our lives. 

That "person" who often gets in the way of our egocentric 

desires and thoughts.  That "person" whom we want to nurture. 

Our relationship. 

 

Anyway, let's get back now to my original topic of discussion. 

My hurt. 

The end result of what I call "my ego jumping up and down". 

The end result of what the Hindu's would call my "ahamkara" - 

my "ego", or "pride", 

My personal pride.  My ego! 

The pride which negates 

the pride in myself - 

as an individual, 

as a unique "child of Good", 

as a miraculous manifestation of the Life Force in the Universe. 

Call it, and me, what you will.  It does not really matter 

In practical terms it does not really matter. 

 

All that matters is that my personal pride gets in the way. 

Gets in the way of me loving myself. 

Gets in the way of my extending love to my world. 

By whispering that I have to, on pain of feeling bad, 

that I have to be, and look, and feel, and think, 

Like everyone else. 

It's this personal pride which makes me cringe every time I see 

a Beauty Contest. 

Which makes me cross, because of "taking it personal". 

Every time I hear the men around me say 

something like - "Don't know what he saw in her. 

She's not one bit attractive. 

Has too big a bum.  Very bony knees". Etc. Etc. 

It's at this point that I want to cry out: 

"So she's not 'socially acceptable' either!" 

I want to protest.  But I don't.  I have learnt 

that men have a very visual sexuality. 

Most of them (the older generation, especially) 

Don't know (or won't recognize) 

That that is the cause of their remarks. 

It's no use my getting upset and crying: 

"What about the qualities she might have of caring, 

of compassion..."  Splutter. 

Nobody can change to suit my sensitivities. 

So if I choose to get angry who am I hurting?  

Only me. 

Of course I can discuss my attitude and my pain with 

Whoever made the remark, but eventually I will just have to 

let it go.  I certainly can't change male biology! 

Or female, either, now I come to think of it. 

I can remember, however, that I have Free Will. 

 

I can remember that I can choose my thoughts. 

In all situations. 

I can remember I am able to exercise my Free Will. 

In all situations, and that 

if I choose my thoughts rightly, 

My feelings will take care of themselves. 

Which brings me back (again!) to the subject I started with - 

My hurt.  I keep getting side-tracked. 

Good thing, that. 

I take it as a sign of maturity. 

Emotional maturity.  Mental maturity.  Spiritual maturity. 

Call it what you will - 

It's a good thing not to be able to hang on to hurt. 

 

However, since we are trying(!) to talk about my hurt - 

When my partner talks about my disabled "appearance", 

I have found myself wanting to whine: 

"I can't help it if I'm disabled!" 

Wanting to hit back" 

"And what makes you think you are so socially acceptable! 

Look at the way you dress!  And stooped shoulders aren't so 

physically attractive, you know!" 

I have found myself wanting to sneer: 

"Are you such a Wimp that you require a 'nice hand bag', 

A 'beautiful lady' to hang on your arm 

In order to boost your social standing with yourself? 

For others don't really matter you know. 

It's what you think of you that matters!" 

This is the point where I come unstuck. 

This is the point where I realize I am behaving like Pavlov's dog. 

Reacting the way "society" says I should in certain circumstances. 

Reacting like the people on the "soapies". 

It's so evident that their responses to life are "Conditioned". 

Every time.  All the time. 

It's not acting.  It's re-acting. 

I want to know that it's what I think of myself that matters. 

I want to know that anger, jealousy, frustration - 

All the negative emotions in fact - 

are by no means effective methods of dealing with any situation. 

But it's not really, let us say, anger, that's the problem. 

It's the dwelling on it that's the problem. 

Anger never helped me intuitively understand - 

Helped me "walk a mile in another's shoes". 

Dwelling on anger never helped me accept my feelings. 

So I stop. 

I take a deep breath.  I accept the fact that I am 

feeling hurt, and angry, and vulnerable. 

I accept all that.  But I don't apportion blame. 

I remind myself I would not hurt if I really loved myself. 

If I really loved myself I would not, 

nay could not, 

allow people to have the power to hurt me. 

If I really loved myself I would be focused 

on the Divinity within me 

and leave the world to its opinions. 

If I really loved myself I would be focused 

on the Christ Light within me 

on the Light which beams outward. 

I would then be more light-hearted, free to 

feel less "attacked", more loving, more joyous. 

 

When I remind myself of these things, 

I am in a better position to accept my partner for what he is. 

Warm.  Loving.  Caring.  Honest. 

A tactile person.  A tactile lover.  One who shares 

Beautiful hugs.  Anywhere.  Anytime. 

Tactless he is at times.  But, then, who isn't flawed? 

Certainly not me. 

And he is vulnerable.  Dear Lord, let me 

remember that he too is vulnerable. 

As vulnerable as any woman - 

or man (though many of them won't admit it) - on earth. 

Seems to be part of being human, 

the part that makes us both want to act like Pavlov's dog. 

 

Deep down I forget.  Deep down I expect him to be, want him to be, 

Emotionally Tough. 

That was the myth I imbibed from my teen years - 

the pop songs, the romances. 

And then from the more radical component of women's Lib - 

in my twenties. 

Which portrayed men as the cause of all the "evil" in the world. 

From them, I got the impression, 

that all men were emotionally tough. 

Hmm.  For the last ten years I have been increasingly aware 

That they forgot to mention one small thing. 

That it's the women, who seem to have 

at least in the past, 

had most to do with forming their son's emotional lives. 

 

I may be wrong there.  But whatever the case, 

I believe that men are 

just as stereotyped as women are. 

Not least by their women. 

And so the cycle is perpetuated. 

 

Look at me. 

Wanting to be treated with "kid gloves". 

Wanting my partner to be "tactful". 

Actually, I am beginning to appreciate his "tactlessness". 

In more ways than one. 

In the first place, 

I am starting to realize that it may be true. 

That what he says is true -  

That he is less likely to leave our relationship, 

that he is less likely to leave, if he is able 

to voice his fears, doubts, and frustrations. 

If I give him the "space" to do so. 

Without condemning, without judgement. 

Without trying to make him feel guilty - 

making him suppress his feelings. 

All I have to do is to appreciate him for what he is trying to do: 

Trying to find out whether certain 

feelings of his are valid. 

All I have to do is "love him enough". 

All I have to do is love myself enough too. 

Put myself "on the line" like he does, 

Be honest enough to conquer my fear 

That he will leave, will turn away, 

If I say anything that is not to his liking. 

I used to be frightened, 

frightened that if I wasn't compliant, 

I would not "compensate" for my disability. 

"Ridiculous!" some might say; "Irrational!" others might think, 

But striking a chord with most women I bet, 

who have a problem with self-image. 

And that is 95% of all women in our population, 

So I read recently. 

 

I was frightened, so I used to wait, 

Wait till I was angry, and hurt and vulnerable. 

To tell him what I thought sometimes of him. 

Got beyond that stage now, thank goodness for me, 

Am learning to take responsibility for my own feelings. 

and thereby am learning to accept them. 

Becoming as honest as he is in the process. 

It's not easy, but this is something 

We are learning to do, together - 

Own our feelings. 

The spiritual group of which we are members 

Makes it simple for us - 

Not easy, but simple - 

We complicate matters for ourselves - 

Trying to be rational, intellectual, adult, 

Really being like Pavlov's dogs. 

They are teaching us what we find hard to accept - 

that all feelings are only Love, anyway. 

Fear, anger, elation, misery, excitement. 

All pure Energy.  Powerful, potent. 

Thus we are learning to accept our feelings.  They are O.K. 

"It's not the feeling, it's the thought that counts". 

That's very good psychology. 

Many modern psychologists will tell me the same: 

Change the thought and the feeling will 

take care of itself. 

Very good advice. 

Not easy to do, however. 

Indeed excruciatingly difficult at times. 

Often changing one thought requires changing 

a whole belief system. 

A comfortable belief structure. 

One that "fits" like a beloved suit of skin. 

Difficult to change. 

Keeping us locked into the accepted 

(acceptable?) norm of limitations. 

We're learning, however.  I'm learning 

I don't have to get upset to communicate 

my deepest thoughts, as mentioned above. 

For this I'm more grateful than I can say. 

This way issues don't get out of hand 

- they're aired and (hopefully) dealt with as they arise. 

This works for us. 

It is a Way - 

one that does not build up a residue of resentments. 

The resentments that we see 

Festering under the surface 

of so many relationships around us. 

Resentments that surface 

as nagging, bitterness or indifference. 

The results of unacknowledged feelings! 

 

So we are grateful for our learning. 

Grateful that we now know that we can choose the Way we think, 

Thereby influencing our feelings. 

As intimated before, however, 

having this knowledge isn't easy - 

in fact, it's extremely uncomfortable, 

to say the least, 

For sometimes "issues" will arise again.  And again. 

And again. 

 

We just have to learn to be patient with ourselves. 

The rewards are well worth it. 

Even though changing the belief systems of a lifetime 

is not easy -

as anyone who have tried it will know. 

Learning to love ourselves appears even harder. 

Harder than anything. 

(As most who have tried it will know!) 

Still, this is what we perceive life to be all about. 

Learning to accept and express the Love within us. 

Learning "to love". 

 

Sundari". 

 

I DEDICATE THIS "TO GRAEME AND MARI JOHNSON, MY SPIRITUAL MENTORS AND FRIENDS in UNITY CHURCH" WHO TAUGHT ME, (BY EXAMPLE AND THROUGH THEIR EBULLIENT ZEST FOR LIVING "ABUNDANTLY") THAT IT IS POSSIBLE FOR ME TO ACCEPT MYSELF (AND THEREFORE OTHERS) AT ALL TIMES WITHOUT LOSING MY SENSE OF HUMOUR OR SPIRITUAL PERSPECTIVE.